Navigating Intimacy and Sexual Challenges in Later Life
At 62, many individuals face physical barriers to intimacy that require specialized care. Specifically, vestibulodynia is pain in the “vestibule,” the vaginal opening, triggered by touch and sexual activity. It does not have an identifiable cause, and although it can be improved significantly with treatment, there’s no known cure. A reader asks: At 62, I have struggled with burning and pain during sex for over 19 years. I have worked with lubricants, dilators, lidocaine, estriol, and pelvic floor physical therapy. Those have helped somewhat, but not enough to make me want penetrative sex again.
The "Intercourse or Nothing" Mentality
The problem in your relationship isn’t that vaginal intercourse is off the table — it’s that your husband counts only this one sexual activity as “sex.” He refuses to explore the many other ways to pleasure each other sexually. Often, he’s unwilling to open his mind to finding a sexual connection that doesn’t cause you pain. He chooses no sex, no orgasms, no intimacy, and he imposes that on you. As a result, it hurts me that it’s got to be intercourse or nothing. So we don’t have sex at all anymore. I miss our intimacy and feel a loss.
The Impact of Daily Pornography and Arousal Issues
Another common issue in senior relationships is described by a reader: My husband, who is nearly 70, watches porn every day and I have caught him in the act several times. I can see from the history on the computer that it’s a daily habit and I’m finding it very hard to cope with. The consequences are often physical: I feel the result of this is that he needs medication to help him in the bedroom as, of course, I’m not like the women he sees on porn sites. When using porn gets to a point where it’s affecting real sex with your partner it’s a problem and he should realise that overusing it could affect his ability to get aroused and enjoy sex with you.
Strategies for Maintaining Connection
Sex isn’t just intercourse. As we age, most of us are challenged by needing alternative ways to give and receive sexual pleasure, reach orgasm, and maintain intimacy. Spicy, satisfying alternatives to intercourse await you. To improve your sexual relationship, consider these available resources:
- Physical Therapy: Pelvic floor physical therapy and dilators.
- Medical Aids: Lubricants, lidocaine, estriol, and medication to help in the bedroom.
- Educational Tools: Learning about “responsive desire” and how it differs from “spontaneous desire.”
- Professional Counseling: Talking to a sex therapist or a psychosexual counsellor to work through these issues.
Understanding Desire and Communication
Lack of desire isn’t a good reason to avoid exploring sex that works for you now. Please learn about “responsive desire” and how it differs from “spontaneous desire,” which will make a big difference going forward. Furthermore, after so many years without partnered sex, your minds, bodies, and relationship have lost the habit of turning to each other for sexual pleasure and intimacy. That doesn’t have to be permanent. He needs to listen to you and be able to have a calm conversation about the issue. Making a change will mean some work and communications skills.