Navigating Intimacy, Pornography, and Aging in a Long-Term Marriage
My husband (76) and I (68) have been married 48 years. Until two years ago, we had no problems in our marriage, and our sex life used to be incredible. But two years ago, I had to be hospitalized with a health issue. A series of big medical problems followed that put me out of commission for a long time. All the down time led my husband to use porn secretly.
The Impact of Health Issues on Marriage
I have urge incontinence, so I wear bladder control pads, and he has to help me up and down stairs because I use a walker. All this has taken a toll on my body and our marriage. I found out about the porn by snooping on his phone just once. He hadn’t deleted his phone history for three years, so I could track when he watched porn: while I was hospitalized and whenever I was out of the house. I confronted him, and he promised no more porn, but my stomach turns when I leave him alone. He can’t tell me why he had to keep it a secret or why he isn’t affectionate anymore — no kissing, no intimacy at all.
Expert Perspectives on Pornography and Autonomy
Joan responds to these concerns with professional insight. Your husband’s porn viewing is likely not the reason for the lack of sex in your marriage as much as your spying, anger, and shaming of him. Watching porn is completely normal, especially (though not exclusively) for men. He waits until you’re out of the house and he’s alone, which is discreet and respectful. He has a right to privacy, a “zone of erotic autonomy,” as sex advisor Dan Savage calls it.
Clinical psychologist David Ley, Ph.D. notes: “Our orgasms don’t become communal property when we get married.” Ley explains that each of us is entitled to own our sexuality, so long as we handle it with responsibility, authenticity and integrity. I can understand that he doesn’t feel affectionate under the cloud of your anger.
Understanding Erectile Dysfunction (ED)
He says it’s not me, it’s ED. I say porn took away our intimacy and desensitized him to real-life sex. However, your husband’s ED is not caused by porn. Undependable erections are common in men his age. If he gets hard through oral, give him that pleasure. Expecting him to “perform” practically guarantees the opposite.
Summary of Marital Factors and Recommendations
| Factor | Details from the Situation |
|---|---|
| Health Status | Hospitalization, walker use, and bladder control pads. |
| Sexual Function | Erectile Dysfunction (ED) and semi-hard erections. |
| Privacy | The husband's right to a "zone of erotic autonomy." |
Adjusting Expectations for the Future
- Seeing a sex therapist together would help you as a couple.
- Both of you would benefit from honestly expressing your feelings and coming closer to understanding each other.
- A therapist could also help you resolve the issues of the changed relationship and your ongoing health issues and need for assistance.
- As we age, we need to explore other options for sexual pleasure.
- If you want penetration, he can use his fingers or a dildo, paired with a clitoral vibrator if that pleases you.