My Partner Had a Second, Secret Phone to Hide His Porn Obsession From Me
We recently received this true story that shows how a porn habit can feed a vibe of secrecy and dishonesty in a relationship. In 2014, the man I’d been dating for three years and was engaged to loaned me a flash drive to use for grad school. Unfortunately, he loaned me the wrong one and as all 598 images loaded—some identifiable as “friends” of ours, others very graphic and disturbing—I watched the life I envisioned come crashing down.
The Roots of the Addiction
His story was not dissimilar to many others. He came from a household with rigid boundaries, little affection or open talks, and a militant father. He was introduced to porn at age 12. It started off as magazines and quickly became a collection. A collection that he cared so deeply for that as he progressed to internet porn, he began to save, organize, and label each of the 800 CDs that his mother hid from me.
Compounding Issues and Continued Lies
I actually worked in addiction at the time, so because of the understanding I had of addiction, I felt compelled to show grace. Not four days after I discovered everything did I realize how tight of a hold this addiction had on him. Four days was all he lasted before he saw a pic of a fitness model on a sports page and began searching for nude pictures of her. We went to counseling. He cried. He begged. And he continued to lie.
The counselor believed we were dealing with narcissism on top of it. This man was remorseful for having been caught and nearly losing me, and he was still acting out behind my back. No one told me that this addiction has little to do with love and is really quite separate from it in the brain. The depths of his problem had already spanned beyond porn. He had been acting out; married women were his MO, as he liked the thrill of risking everything and potentially being caught. His friends’ wives were not off-limits either.
Data Summary of the Case
| Category | Details from the Account |
|---|---|
| Early Exposure | Age 12 |
| Physical Media | 800 labeled CDs and magazines |
| Digital Evidence | 598 images on a flash drive |
| General Statistic | 75% of Christian men view pornography |
The Discovery of the Secret Phone
One night, two police officers showed up at my door because he’d broken his leg at work. I rushed to his side in the ER and held his phone and wallet while they did radiographs. The medic who had tended to him held up the pants they’d cut off of him. Feeling the weight of something in the pocket, he reached in. A phone.
Knowing I was regularly checking his phone, my fiancé had purchased a pay as you go phone so he could continue acting out. That was the moment I’d had enough. I’d decided I would not be doing this for 30 years. Facebook was even a temptation for him; he’d save perfectly innocent appearing pictures of strangers because he liked the way they were looking “at him” in the pictures. His fantasy world was beyond comprehension.