How To Handle Porn in a Relationship
These are the types of questions you ask about porn in a relationship. I hear from women dismayed by their male partner’s porn use and I hear from men whose female partners caught them watching porn and tried to forbid it. Why the conflict about porn?
Understanding the Perspectives
The men who write me say that porn is a way to indulge their fantasies, enjoy visual stimulation, and get an easy, private orgasm. They tell me it has nothing to do with their partners. However, their women partners may feel crushed and outraged. Women have been socialized to equate their desirability with youth, and at our age, women are self-conscious about their bodies and sexual attractiveness. They may feel insecure about their sexual “performance” compared to a porn star. Some feel shamed by a partner’s anger and disgust.
The Role of Communication
What do we do? We calm down and ask questions. Yes, ask him what he gets out of it, what it means and doesn’t mean to him. And ask her how she feels, what she needs from you. Don’t argue — listen. Ultimately, you want her to know and accept that sometimes you watch porn, but the porn doesn’t change your feelings about her.
| Perspective | Key Feelings and Motivations |
|---|---|
| Men | Indulge fantasies, visual stimulation, private orgasm, no reflection on partner. |
| Women | Feeling crushed, outraged, self-conscious about attractiveness or performance. |
| Experts | Porn is often a symptom of something else going on in the marriage. |
Privacy vs. Secrecy in Healthy Sexuality
Dr. David J. Ley is a clinical psychologist who notes that, when it comes to sexual behaviors, there’s a belief today that there should be absolutely no privacy between the partners in a couple. That any privacy is the equivalent of keeping secrets, and that secrets are unhealthy and destructive. But healthy sexuality and a healthy self involves some privacy. If you choose to exercise your sexual privacy and watch porn, you should be able to.
How does Dr. Ley advise a man to explain this to his partner? You can tell her that you watch porn sometimes, and that you hope she can deal with that, because you really want to have a healthy, open, mutually accepting relationship with her. But, if you tell her that you don’t watch porn, when you do, then you’re lying, and perpetuating your shame, and her misunderstanding of porn. Lies don’t earn privacy—honesty and integrity do.
When is Porn a Problem?
If the man is watching porn a lot, does it mean the relationship is in trouble? Often not, but sometimes yes. Porn is usually not the cause of the problem, but it may reveal that a problem already exists in the relationship. “When porn gets raised as a problem in the marriage,” writes Dr. Ley, “It’s always a symptom of something else going on with one of the people in the marriage, or in the marriage itself.”
Signs of Underlying Issues
Consider if any of these problems exist:
- Is he having sex with his screen and his hand while consistently ignoring a partner who wants sex with him and feels rejected?
- Does he desire sex with her, but she’s not willing?
- Is one of them depressed or isolated and won’t talk about it or get help?
- Is communication lacking?
If any of these problems exist, you’ll need a sex-positive couple’s counselor or sex therapist to help you communicate, locate the real problem, and work through it. Blaming it on porn won’t help you back to a compassionate and loving relationship. During this holiday season and into the New Year, give your partner the gift of understanding and communication. This is worth more than anything you could purchase.